By Laurie Notaro
IT’S LAURIE NOTARO’S vacation instruction manual.
PREPARE TO chuckle YOUR TINSEL OFF.
It’s the main wonderful–and so much dreadful–season of the 12 months, while containers of muffins assault your thighs, drunken vacation revelers remain long gone their welcome, and your grandmother has conniptions on the division shop over the cost of hand lotion. Welcome to Laurie Notaro’s Christmastime.
In ten brand-new tales and 3 formerly released favorites, Notaro stocks the sidesplitting day-by-day failures of the vacations, like discovering herself on emergency female product recon at nighttime on Christmas Eve; surrendering to the inevitable terrible present Parade by way of easily requesting vacation dish towels and mammoth white underpants from Sears; scuffling with the morons in line on the 7th Circle of Hell, in a different way often called the homemade craft shop; and attempting to stay down her attractiveness because the such a lot Unfun Christmas social gathering visitor Ever, as a result of an unlucky false impression regarding a faux overdose and emergency paramedics.
So even if you end up on the boring and shrewdpermanent occasion or the Raucous and silly celebration this vacation season, you’ll continuously comprehend the place to discover Laurie–just persist with the chocolate path over to the cheese platter. She’ll be the single dialing the police officers.
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Extra info for An Idiot Girl's Christmas: True Tales from the Top of the Naughty List
In ship-building, the Chinese use a kind of cement that renders the vessel always tight; certain it is that a pump has not yet been seen in any even of their largest ships. This cement is composed of lime made from oyster shells, mixed with oil and a little bamboo scrapings, which latter answers the purpose that hair does in English plaster. Hanging at the head door of every vessel is a gong, which is beat as a signal for making or slacking sail. They seem all of the same dimensions, about 2\ to 3 feet diameter.
How then are we to get over this difficulty ? The antient writers had no interest, nor can we conceive they had any intention in deceiving their readers, who could easily have convicted them by an appeal to facts. We must therefore conclude that the writers were deceived themselves. The only mode of solving this difficult problem, that I can think of, is the following, which is offered not as a complete solution, but as at least extremely probable. " I think the antients were deceived by the change of figure which a leaden ball suffers from striking a solid object, and that this change of figure might possibly exhibit appearances resembling the effects of fire in the ball.
Jago, one of the Cape de Verde islands, also received a visit, and was found in great want of provisions, no rain having fallen for nearly two years. It is curious to remark on the commercial relations of this place, that a Colonel of Militia had a watch, which, for want of a key, had not gone for eight years. We not only procured the little needful, but cleaned the watch into the bargain. It is perhaps impossible to find a contrast * The gentlemen and others in the suite of Lord Macartney, mentioned in this narrative, are asfollows:— Sir George Staunton, Secretary to the Embassy.